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Wayne's World! Party on!!!

Getting older

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[COLOR="Black"]Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"

"98," she replied, "'Two years older than me."

"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.

She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"[/COLOR]

[COLOR="Sienna"]Reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman:

"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.

She replied, "No peer pressure."[/COLOR]

[COLOR="DarkOliveGreen"]The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.[/COLOR]

[COLOR="DarkGreen"]I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes, I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia, have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet any more, can't remember if I'm 85 or 92, and have lost all my friends.

But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.[/COLOR]

[COLOR="DarkSlateBlue"]I felt like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my clothes on, the class was over.[/COLOR]

[COLOR="Navy"]My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.[/COLOR]

[COLOR="Indigo"]Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.[/COLOR]

[COLOR="DarkSlateGray"]It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.[/COLOR]

[COLOR="DarkRed"]These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For Fast Relief."[/COLOR]


Grant me the senility to forget the people

I never liked anyway,

The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and

The eyesight to tell the difference.[/COLOR]

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  1. nana nettie's Avatar
    Thanks FG, your wit started my day off with laughs
  2. Kay's Avatar
    Hehe, these are cute. Thanks for sharing them!
  3. XD001's Avatar
    Nice. Here's one if you don't mind...

    Hector and Hamish are brothers, Hector slightly smarter than Hamish. So the boys are building a shed, and Hector notices that Hamish is throwing away a lot of nails.

    "Why you throwing them away?" he asks.

    "Their facing the wrong way." replies Hamish.

    Hector thinks, then says: "Keep them, we'll use them on the other side."

    In the end, Hector must buy more nails. At the store the employee asks:

    "How long you want 'em?"

    "Oh, I need to keep them," replies Hector.

    Hector and his brother Hamish, go to work for a telegraph pole company, putting up telegraph poles. So on the first day, the boys leave at 7am and come back at 6pm.

    "How many poles did you get in boys?" their boss asks.

    "Two." Hamish says proudly.

    "Only two! That other lot put in 50!" the boss shouts.

    "But I bet they left them sticking out of the ground."

  4. N0t2f34r's Avatar
    Ha, more hilariousness, very funny. I heard the Memory one before, and the 104 peer pressure one...still very funny


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